Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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