my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
