the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
