i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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