nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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