remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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