I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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