I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
