i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
