sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
