I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
time to smoke my breakfast
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Randomize
