Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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