he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Pants are for mortals
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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