Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
