Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
