last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
