is your mom at the bar?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
