Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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