Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
