He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
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She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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