I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
