Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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