you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
