And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
