Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
