Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
