There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The uberlube is also flammable
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Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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