Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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