I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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