she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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