my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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