I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
