I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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