is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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