So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
