Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
