sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
