Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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