we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
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Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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