Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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