so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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