Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
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I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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