I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
