You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
