you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
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I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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