i'm signing you up for texting rehab
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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