I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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