Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
