My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
