I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
