I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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