I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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