I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize