We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
