It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
