For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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