I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
